Dark Clouds and Shadows

My absence from my blog has been due to a number of things. First of all, I just completed what was probably one of the most challenging consulting assignments I have ever tackled. It became much more than a job-- it became the albatross around my neck, it became the stuff of nightmares, and it became the yardstick by which I measured the success or failure of my entire life.

This project consumed me so much that I didn't notice the dark clouds surrounding my home and hearth. On Monday, June 26, I finished my work and turned it into the client. On Tuesday June 27, I realized that DivaHusband was not in good shape.

Six months ago, DivaHusband lost his job. Six months later, DivaHusband has lost his happiness. He is down and out, and I, in my self-absorbed state, spent the last four months in a needy and demanding state and took and took from him emotionally until he had nothing left to give.

On Wednesday, June 28th, DivaHusband and I went to a therapist together. There we both came to understand just how depressed he is. He's taken so much care of my emotional needs over the past four months. that we were completely out of touch with his own. I saw just how much emotional weight has been on his shoulders.

He is taking an anti-depressant and trying desperately to find the spark that gives life meaning. We will continue to go to therapy together and try to figure some things out.

Six months of no job has certainly hit us very hard financially, but I think it has taken far more of a toll on his self esteem.

My goal now is to care for him as well as he has cared for me--and to not EVER get so caught up in a consulting job again that I miss what is going on in my own home.

Please pray for DivaHusband.

I love my family

Here I am, sitting next to DivaDaughter--formerly known as Hootergirl----using the wireless internet network in our home to write on my blog. Since I am still a bit gimpy legged, I appreciate the convenience of a laptop. It is just too bad it's an Apple.

We sitting on the couch together, watching the 56 inch HDTV, enjoying the last wisps of light in this period of DUSK. DivaSon is on my right, DivaDaughter to my left, DivaHusband beside her. Estaban is over, He is DivaSon's best partner in crime and a delight to us all. Estaban has two mothers, and is the most hetereosexual 16 year old I know.

Things are right with the world. These are some of the happiest times I spend, just being with my family. I marvel at what we have created together. A family that chills out, a family that argues, a family that shares its fatigue, and a family that shares its laptops.


Even if this one is an Apple.

Cinco de Mayo is not my favorite holiday.

May 5 I fell and broke my kneecap----I completely snapped that patella in two! I wish I could blame it on too much tequila or Dos Equis, or too many exuberant shouts of OLE, but instead I am the victim of party clean up. We were having a party to celebrate the college graduation of the international student who has called Chez Diva home for the past 5 years, and I tripped over an ottoman while carrying a stack of dishes to the kitchen.

After 10 days on crutches, I am irritable and frustrated. The doctor just allowed me to start putting a little weight on the leg, but it's wobbly and painful. I can't bend it for another three weeks, and have to keep it tightly splinted most of the time.

It's probably a good thing for me to have this experience, despite my growling. I am reminded of the incredible blessing we have just to be able to walk around on our own. I have been humbled by how helpful my family has been. My friends have been great---bringing me food and checking up on me.

I've continued to work as much as I can, and feel so grateful that I make my living with my head and not my feet. The big project I am working on has not suffered in the least. The project has a very aggressive timetable, and I feel a great deal of stress to deliver on time. So far so good.

The ugliness inside people

The reporter's phone call touched a chord to me, so I spent a few minutes yesterday evening visiting some blogs I like, as well as some community message boards, such as those on Court TV, American Idol, ABC--Lost, and stuff like the Onion, Salon.com, etc.

It's amazing how some people "talk" to other people when they think they cannot be identified. Who are those people spewing racial hatred, nasty comments about women, vulgar and suggestive language, and talking about cybersex?

Maybe they are our neighbors. Maybe they are your child's teacher. Maybe they are the people serving us our food. We really don't know, do we?

It's quite troubling when you really think about it.

It goes back to that adage---are we really savages whom civilization has tamed, or are we peaceful beings whom civilization has corrupted?

NOT!!!!!!!!

Turns out the reporter was just checking in with us since we are such "notable" (note the sarcasm in my voice) consultants in our fields!

Thank goodness.

BUSTED?

"Diva, do you have a moment?" BossDiva buzzes me on the intercom. "There's a reporter on the phone asking about how blogs and blogging affect the workplace environment."

THUD. Sickness in the pit of my stomach. Why in the hell would a reporter call OUR office and ask that question, unless somehow, somewhere, my blog has someone come out from under cover. My carefully laid smokescreens, my meticulous efforts to hide my ISP address, the comfort of my anonymity-----gone.

How am I going to explain this one away?

Allergies

AAAHHHHCHOOOO! AAAHHHCHOOO!

This is the sum total of most of my dialogue these days. I have the worst case of allergies in many seasons. I am paying for that mild winter, cool spring, and beautiful garden.

My understanding of allergies is that they are caused by your immune system in overdrive. Your body, being incredibly hypervigilant, goes overboard in protecting you from those allergens by producing huge amounts of histamines. These histamines cause the sneezing, runny eyes, and general lethargy of allergies.

Whic makes we wonder--is there any correlation between people who have allergies and how often they get sick with other things? In other words, does an overactive immune system that causes problems in one arena translate into a vigilant immune system that protects you in another?

I sure hope so. I won't be sick for 50 years if that's true.

Spring time

SPRING is in the air. My irises are breathtakingly beautiful, and my tulips--well let's just say that I must have some genetic material left over from some one with more vowels than consonants in his name.

My garden is the best it's been in years. Must be the mild winter, coupled with a cooler spring.

I'm getting ready to plant my herbs and vegetables. I decided this year to ONLY plant heirloom tomatoes as a tribute to my grandmother, who grew some of the best Cherokee purple tomatoes ever. I have a bunch of her dalias in my garden too, and they are still living off the love my grandmother gave them during her lifetime.

I bought a lot of snapdragons this weekend too, again in honor of my grandmother, who loved them with a passion.

I've been thinking about grandma a lot lately. This was her favorite time of year, and I have fond memories of her in her old bonnet, wearing her black galoshes and with hoe in hand, getting the soil ready for spring planting. She would work from morning till night, hoeing and planting, hoeing and planting. The rich dark earth would stick to her galoshes and to her fingers, and she would take a deep breath and say--do you smell that? It's the smell of God.

Somehow I think God would agree.